The Way of Love for the Lord
Chapter 15. In order to be used as a staff (May 1, 1981)
I could not concentrate on the talk well because I was distracted by the strong and unfulfilled wish to have confession and to receive Holy Communion. Then all of a sudden, I felt as if something hit my head hard. At that moment, I looked at the nun, who said, “When God cuts down a tree to make a staff out of it, he does not choose a tree at random but choose a straight one.
But that’s not all. He prunes away its unnecessary branches and peels the bark in order to make a better staff. That is to say, the tree should undergo the pain of being cut and pruned.” Once I heard this, I needed no more word.
I thought. ‘It doesn’t matter to me any longer who the old man might be, Jesus or Moses. Perhaps God permitted me to suffer this pain of being cut, pruned, and trimmed so that he might make His instrument out of me.
He might have tested me in various ways to make sure if I am qualified as His instrument.
Otherwise, the cunning devils who are watching me live a happy life all the time filled with a burning love for God could have played tricks on me in order to separate me from God by driving me into despair.” At the realization of this, tears began to flow from my eyes endlessly.
“Lord, my loving Lord! I am sorry. Though I confessed in the overnight prayer meeting that it was all my fault, it turned out that I had afflicted so much pain to Your Heart. Now I realized that the devils who know well that I can forgive even those who attempt to hurt me, took advantage of my weak point.
They made use of my mother-in-law as their tool because they know well that the only way to provoke me is by hurting my mother. Maybe my poor mother-in-law never imagined that she had been used that way. What she did to my mother was not intentional. Rather she was just deceived by the devils and used for a while as a tool for their cunning scheme.
So who could say she is to blame? Oh, Lord! Have You loved me so much like this? As You’ve loved me so much, You have arranged all this so that I could have a clear understanding. Now that I realized, I will do better. Though I am unworthy and unqualified as Your instrument, I will follow Your Will.” I did not dare to lift my head and just wept with my head lowered.
Then, I sensed a bright light shining from the direction of the altar and heard the voice of Jesus. “That’s it. My good baby! I saved you from death in order to use you as My instrument. So follow only My Mother and Me with complete trust.” Upon hearing the word of the Lord, I cried my eyes out.
I came out of the church as I could not refrain from crying. As soon as I went back home, I told my husband that what had happened that day was God’s intervention to train and use me as His instrument. I visited my mother-in-law, made a deep bow, and begged her for forgiveness. To my surprise, she responded with a puzzled look. “I really don’t know what mistake you have made. Who in the world could be as nice to parents as you are?”
‘Oh, my love, my Lord! How could we possibly measure Your divine economy which is so high?’
I got up early at dawn to prepare for confession and visited several churches but was completely stopped from meeting priests. This could not have happened unless the Lord had willed it and I could not have heard the talk unless I was pressed for time, which was also a divine providence.
Through the experience of this day I realized the truth that when we ardently desire to meet the Lord after receiving the sacrament of confession, God would bestow much abundant love.
The taste of the Eucharist that I received after this incident was a great treasure of love, which is so high, deep, and wide; cannot be replaced by anything in the world.